I still can't believe it...

Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since he's been gone. When I look at the amazing memorial pamphlet from his funeral I find myself still in disbelief that he's really gone. Jeffrey had a basketball tournament in Roseville yesterday. I felt a pain in my heart and a sting in my eyes when I walked into the building full of basketball courts. The last time I was there, my dad was sitting next to me cheering Jeffrey on and giving him pointers between games. I went to visit Beccy today to give her a massage. I heard my dad's voice in my head about 5 different times while I was there. My heart hurt a little more when I kept looking at the door as if he was going to walk through it and ask in his joking voice, 'is my 3 hour massage ready to start'?  Silent tears rolled down my face as I massaged. I looked at the pictures of him and yearned for the amazingly safe embrace of his arms that I have had my entire life. He wasn't going to walk in the door to joke with me, or give Beccy a gentle squeeze as he walked by letting her know he was there.  I have good days and bad days like everyone else who has suffered the loss of someone so precious to them.  I know the importance of moving forward and am praying for the strength to do so gracefully without too much time spent alone grieving. I have to keep going, keep loving, keep praying, keep forgiving, keep living. 

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sunshine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”- Irish Blessing

 

Rest in peace my precious love. 

LIFE. KEEPS. GOING.

We can't push pause. It just keeps going. 

Too often lately, I have found myself standing on the outside of my life looking in at the chaos that is going on all around me.  The seriousness of circumstances in my family have caused me to check myself. (before I wreck myself)

This is what I have learned over the past few weeks:
I am vulnerable. I don't like sharing my vulnerability with just anyone, but a select few.
 
Having my dad in ICU at UC Davis has brought out every possible emotion in me. 

Not everyone is dealing with life the way that I am. That's OK.

Members of my family as well as myself have experienced unbelievable amounts of pain, fear, uncertainty, guilt, sadness, insecurity, tenderness, frustration, and almost every feeling in between in the past few weeks.

I have had the blessing of really getting to know my dad's wife, Beccy. We've all known her for a few years now, but I have been given the time to get to know her so much better and to see what makes her tick.  She is completely in love with my dad. The things that she notices, comments on, and thinks about regarding him are a dead giveaway to how truly deep their love is. 


My mom is one of the most AMAZING people I have ever met in my entire life. She is the reason that regardless of how uncomfortable situations can be, they seem to flow smoothly. She is compassionate, she has wisdom, and grace. She is selfless. She is generous. She knows all of us kids better than we could ever understand and still knows what is best for us. 

One thing I know is important to my dad is that during all of this that is going on, we don't stop living. Although it can be easy to become consumed by the world that is the hospital, it's important to do what I say my priorities are.  It's important for me to spend quality time with my children, and quality time with my husband.  
I am thankful that my husband is finally home from working in Las Vegas.  I can juggle my life with my kids while he's away, but it's not how it should be on a regular basis.  They truly need him.  They need his time, his energy, his love, and his focus. Our children should take the majority of our time.  We are the ones shaping them, setting examples for them, encouraging them, helping them, loving them.  Moms and Dads play very different roles in childrens' lives. I know how important it is that they get the BEST of both of us and not the leftovers.  Not an easy task, but one that I am committed to maintaining. 


I miss my dad's voice. 


Being considerate of everyone involved right now is so important. This time that my family has had together,  holding strong and holding one another up has been wonderful, bittersweet, and difficult all at the same time. 

Paul has been amazingly generous as well. He has opened his home to my entire family without one complaint. I'm sure he could have some if he chose to, but he has been so gracious.  He gives us his attention, his time, his beds, his food, his wine, ....the list goes on. He is patient and selfless. I am one who LOVES having company, but people in and out of my house for a month would be a different story.  He inspires me to be a better person. 

I worry about and for everyone.  It's a big job that I should just leave up to God.  I am no good at being in charge, even though I sometimes think I have all the answers.  

I have accepted the worst case scenario. I still think God is going to show me a miracle.

MY HEART HURTS

I love him so much. He was the first man I fell in love with. Holding his hand yesterday, and kissing his head, I was flooded , again, with so many memories from my childhood and what a wonderful father he has been to me.  Never in my life have I actually witnessed someone with a will like his.  He has never given up. He has fought against every evil that has tried to take over his life and his body.  I admire everything about him. He is absolutely precious to me. I don't even have any really good writing in me; my eyes keep leaking, my heart keeps hurting. 

W H E N ??

Okay, here comes the vent:
When do I get to have "me time" without feeling guilty? 
I actually thought I was going to make it tonight back to the Dailey Method class that I started over a month ago taught by my beautiful sister in law.  Sadly,  once 3:00 hits, I do. not. stop. until after 9:30pm: kids activities, chores, going over homework with 3 kids, giving pre-spelling tests, math quizzes and listening to them read for 25 min, dinner, clean up, laundry changed, and preparation for the following morning all start swirling into this sometimes exhausting whirlwind of chaos that if I am not mentally and physically present for, it just won't get done.  I realize that I have the same amount of hours in a day that everyone else does, I have less kids than some of my friends, and I don't have any other special circumstances that would make it any more of a challenge than anyone else to just get it all done and still make "me time" a priority. So what gives? Doesn't God know that I am consumed by thoughts and feelings of unhappiness with myself? Why do evenings have to always be poured out to everyone else? If I have to choose then I know I am making the right decision by being home with and for my family. It's what I am called to do, and evenings, at least for now, are not all about me.  I am working towards being that super-human ultimately prepared woman who has it all done before 6 o'clock so that I can sneak out of the house for a couple hours and be nice to my body. I wish I was already that woman.

NEW:

JOBS

     1. teaching high school
     2. barista at Starbucks

FLOOR

     Not really in quite yet...but it's gittin done

PHONE NUMBER

     I decided it was time to settle in the 775

HOURS

     I wake up at 5 a.m. now, and soon it will be 4 a.m.
     I don't think I really realized that those hours existed. 
OUTLOOK
     Life moves pretty fast, if I don't stop and look around once and awhile, I could miss it.  -Ferris Bueller
 


 

BAPTISM

A few months ago, Jeffrey asked me if he could get baptized.  His youth group was holding a baptism and he wanted to be a part of it.  The difference between this baptism and the kind I grew up with is  Jeffrey was the one who approached me and wanted to be baptized. It's not better or worse than getting baptized the way the catholic church teaches; just noting one of the differences. I loved listening to him tell me why he thinks it's important and why he was making this kind of decision. I loved hearing his childlike responses that included, "the bible says to do it" and "I think it will be really cool".  I am so thankful to see my kids' love for God inwardly and outwardly.  The girls, of course, found out that he was baptized and both wanted to be baptized as well. So, this weekend, they were! It was a wonderful experience. Pastor Kristopher was so warm and genuine towards them, and helped make this a cherished memory for them.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to raise my kids to know who God is, make sure they know how precious they are to Him, how much He loves them, and the wonderful amazing plans that He has for their future. 

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

I love her heart...

This past weekend my girls and I had the opportunity to help serve at a community outreach in the park.  We helped hand out backpacks, school supplies, and clothing to kids and families in need. When I stopped to really watch her, I was in awe of my sweet Molly's heart.  She began the day with sidewalk chalk in the park, with my only instruction being, "draw something that is welcoming for the kids who will be here".  This is what she came up with:

Next, She walked around handing out lollipops to anyone and everyone who would take one

Then she spent a good hour asking kids their sizes and helping them sort through and find clothes that they might like to have. 

She has such a beautiful heart. I love that girl.

Why is this such a struggle? It's not only a struggle materialistically, but physically, emotionally, relationally, financially, ...every "ally"

I want to go on vacation, I need to work hard
I want people's approval, I need God's approval
I want "stuff"(more, bigger, better),I need to be thankful for what I already have and focus on others who lack
I want to look better, act better, be better, I need to love who I am while I'm on the road to who I will be
I want too many things perfect, I need to realize that imperfection is what makes my life, my life
I want to change myself, I need to let God change me
I want to change others, I need to love others and let God change who He chooses to
I want to be selfish, I need to be selfless
I want to eat cake, I need to eat spinach
I want a clean house, I need a clean conscience
I want to give up, I need to NEVER give up
I want to tell my kids how to live right, I need to show them how to live right
I want to say whatever I want, I need to practice self-control
I want life to be easy, I need life to challenge me




 

YAY FOR INTERNET!!

I haven't boycotted my blogging, I've just been unable to do it at home, and unwilling to take the time to do it somewhere else.  
So far it's been a grrrrreat summer! 
Mo's wedding was amazing, Mo leaving was not. Kids have had so much fun with their cousins, hanging out, swimming, going to the beach, going to Sacramento with Gramellen, and taking advantage of the downtime we have before school starts back up again.  
I've enjoyed so much of this summer, and really do feel good about being in Reno.

I have had the wonderful opportunity to be a part of a church plant (started by our friends Kristopher and Melissa Dahir) in Spanish Springs, and so far it's been amazing. I love the feel of the environment there, it's so welcoming and I love being able to be real with the people there knowing that we are all human and flawed.  I feel no judgment there.  My role there right now involves praying for and with people who want it.  The core group of leaders are genuine, honest, compassionate people.  I am so thankful to be a part of it.  I feel like I have such a great support system for all aspects of my life; marriage, parenting, finances, helping others.  This group of people truly cares about my becoming the best "me" possible, and makes sure my priorities are where they need to be.   Having the accountability is so important for me too. They do so much more than listen.  I am not someone who only wants others to listen, I want advice, wisdom, different perspective, and encouragement.  I think being accountable to others is such an important part of our walk in life.  I've tried it the other way before (being accountable only to myself)  and that took me to a dark place I don't ever want to revisit.  I'm so excited about all of the plans that this new church has in the way of helping and loving people.  It's going to be wonderful.  I am forever a work in progress and I have a long way to go.  I am harder on myself than anyone out there could ever be so I do my best to not stay sad when my feelings or ego take a hit. 


Jeffrey started football this week! He's tall and skinny, which makes me a bit nervous as far as possible injuries are concerned; but so far he is LOVING it! Molly and Ellie are still swimming with Reno Aquatic and both doing well! 


Michael is in the thick of his season and I never know what part of town he's in, but he's in town which I am so so so thankful for.  

My life is a blessing.  God is so good.

THOUGHTS IN NUMBERS

10-days until the kids are out of school for the summer.
20-days until Mo's wedding.
4-swim practices this week.
8-loads of laundry to do. 
endless-hours of organizing to do in my house.
2-dress fittings in Auburn this week.
3-massages scheduled for this week.
2-field trips scheduled for this week.
100 + -prayers going out this week to handle the above tasks. 

I want to just pause for awhile...

Life is going too fast for me.  I spend so much of my time lately examining my priorities and doing my best to make sure they line up with my actions.  With everything going on with my dad, Mo's wedding, and kid schedules...I often get to a point of shutting down completely. Time, again, to take a deep breath, remember that God is in charge, and keep moving forward.  Thankful list of things going on in my life:
1. God decided to provide a miracle and SHRINK my dad's most recent tumor. 
2. Molly and Ellie started swimming with Reno Aquatic.
3. Mo had a really great lingerie shower this past weekend.
4. My husband still makes me laugh on a regular basis, he gets me. 
5. I am in Reno.
6. I got to eat cake balls courtesy of Melissa Dahir. (although it may sound dirty, it's not)  ;)
7. I am surrounded by love. 
Here's some pics from Mo's lingerie shower:  

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, POPS... You are loved more than you know

WHY I LOVE MO

She is as much of a child at Easter as my children...

She was in charge of the egg dying festivities...

MY FEELINGS WOULD BEST BE DESCRIBED IN PICTURE FORM:

BE INSPIRED

My best friend Wendi just added a new member to her family; her adopted son, Nebeyu.  For the past ten days they have been on a life changing journey in Africa.  My friend, Jessica, went with them to photograph the entire experience.  Jessica blogged along the way to give readers a glimpse of their amazing mission.  I am beyond blessed to call these people my friends.  Welcome home Nebeyu! 

JESSICA'S BLOG

FRIENDS + SNOW = HAPPINESS

We may not be used to the weather here yet, but one thing is for sure...the kids embrace it!  A couple of weeks ago one of our favorite families let us borrow their girls for a sleepover and fun day.  Cienna and Taylynn have been friends of my kiddos since forever.  They are so polite and adorable, and so much fun to have around.  The thing I love the most, however, is how no matter how much time has gone by, or miles between them, our kids just seem to mesh right back into this amazing friendship.  They happen to visit on the weekend of another big snowstorm!  It was AWESOME.  They had so much fun playing together in the snow.  Although the visit was quick, it was wonderful; and we can't wait to have them visit us again soon!