Rest in peace my precious love.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 08, 2010
LIFE. KEEPS. GOING.
We can't push pause. It just keeps going.
Too often lately, I have found myself standing on the outside of my life looking in at the chaos that is going on all around me. The seriousness of circumstances in my family have caused me to check myself. (before I wreck myself)
This is what I have learned over the past few weeks:
I am vulnerable. I don't like sharing my vulnerability with just anyone, but a select few.
Having my dad in ICU at UC Davis has brought out every possible emotion in me.
Not everyone is dealing with life the way that I am. That's OK.
Members of my family as well as myself have experienced unbelievable amounts of pain, fear, uncertainty, guilt, sadness, insecurity, tenderness, frustration, and almost every feeling in between in the past few weeks.
I have had the blessing of really getting to know my dad's wife, Beccy. We've all known her for a few years now, but I have been given the time to get to know her so much better and to see what makes her tick. She is completely in love with my dad. The things that she notices, comments on, and thinks about regarding him are a dead giveaway to how truly deep their love is.
My mom is one of the most AMAZING people I have ever met in my entire life. She is the reason that regardless of how uncomfortable situations can be, they seem to flow smoothly. She is compassionate, she has wisdom, and grace. She is selfless. She is generous. She knows all of us kids better than we could ever understand and still knows what is best for us.
One thing I know is important to my dad is that during all of this that is going on, we don't stop living. Although it can be easy to become consumed by the world that is the hospital, it's important to do what I say my priorities are. It's important for me to spend quality time with my children, and quality time with my husband.
I am thankful that my husband is finally home from working in Las Vegas. I can juggle my life with my kids while he's away, but it's not how it should be on a regular basis. They truly need him. They need his time, his energy, his love, and his focus. Our children should take the majority of our time. We are the ones shaping them, setting examples for them, encouraging them, helping them, loving them. Moms and Dads play very different roles in childrens' lives. I know how important it is that they get the BEST of both of us and not the leftovers. Not an easy task, but one that I am committed to maintaining.
I miss my dad's voice.
Being considerate of everyone involved right now is so important. This time that my family has had together, holding strong and holding one another up has been wonderful, bittersweet, and difficult all at the same time.
Paul has been amazingly generous as well. He has opened his home to my entire family without one complaint. I'm sure he could have some if he chose to, but he has been so gracious. He gives us his attention, his time, his beds, his food, his wine, ....the list goes on. He is patient and selfless. I am one who LOVES having company, but people in and out of my house for a month would be a different story. He inspires me to be a better person.
I worry about and for everyone. It's a big job that I should just leave up to God. I am no good at being in charge, even though I sometimes think I have all the answers.
I have accepted the worst case scenario. I still think God is going to show me a miracle.
Too often lately, I have found myself standing on the outside of my life looking in at the chaos that is going on all around me. The seriousness of circumstances in my family have caused me to check myself. (before I wreck myself)
This is what I have learned over the past few weeks:
I am vulnerable. I don't like sharing my vulnerability with just anyone, but a select few.
Having my dad in ICU at UC Davis has brought out every possible emotion in me.
Not everyone is dealing with life the way that I am. That's OK.
Members of my family as well as myself have experienced unbelievable amounts of pain, fear, uncertainty, guilt, sadness, insecurity, tenderness, frustration, and almost every feeling in between in the past few weeks.
I have had the blessing of really getting to know my dad's wife, Beccy. We've all known her for a few years now, but I have been given the time to get to know her so much better and to see what makes her tick. She is completely in love with my dad. The things that she notices, comments on, and thinks about regarding him are a dead giveaway to how truly deep their love is.
My mom is one of the most AMAZING people I have ever met in my entire life. She is the reason that regardless of how uncomfortable situations can be, they seem to flow smoothly. She is compassionate, she has wisdom, and grace. She is selfless. She is generous. She knows all of us kids better than we could ever understand and still knows what is best for us.
One thing I know is important to my dad is that during all of this that is going on, we don't stop living. Although it can be easy to become consumed by the world that is the hospital, it's important to do what I say my priorities are. It's important for me to spend quality time with my children, and quality time with my husband.
I am thankful that my husband is finally home from working in Las Vegas. I can juggle my life with my kids while he's away, but it's not how it should be on a regular basis. They truly need him. They need his time, his energy, his love, and his focus. Our children should take the majority of our time. We are the ones shaping them, setting examples for them, encouraging them, helping them, loving them. Moms and Dads play very different roles in childrens' lives. I know how important it is that they get the BEST of both of us and not the leftovers. Not an easy task, but one that I am committed to maintaining.
I miss my dad's voice.
Being considerate of everyone involved right now is so important. This time that my family has had together, holding strong and holding one another up has been wonderful, bittersweet, and difficult all at the same time.
Paul has been amazingly generous as well. He has opened his home to my entire family without one complaint. I'm sure he could have some if he chose to, but he has been so gracious. He gives us his attention, his time, his beds, his food, his wine, ....the list goes on. He is patient and selfless. I am one who LOVES having company, but people in and out of my house for a month would be a different story. He inspires me to be a better person.
I worry about and for everyone. It's a big job that I should just leave up to God. I am no good at being in charge, even though I sometimes think I have all the answers.
I have accepted the worst case scenario. I still think God is going to show me a miracle.
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